Where am I going? Where SHOULD I be going?
I am 36 years old. Recently I felt that I am at one of those points in my life that I feel like I am taking care of what I need to get done to get to the next level in my career. Then that feeling is followed by those moments where people pile eighty thousand tons of doubt on top of me. By the way, this week, I feel that eighty thousand pounds came at me at 75 miles per hour.
I am 36 years old. I am not bi-polar, but everything around me sure seems to be. Not the people, but rather the events.
I am 36 years old. I am also just 3 years and a few months out of getting my Bachelors Degree. Most people who go to college have their degree at an age about ten years younger than when I did it. I spent nine years of my life doing many things and most of them worthwhile. If I had not done those things I would not be the person that I am today. Of course, I personally see that being that person, with all of my many, MANY faults, is what makes me a value in my chosen career path.
I am 36 years old. I am working seven days a week. I am doing many different things to better myself so that I can be better everyday as I continue on this path. When asked to fill in, I not only jump in with both feet, I am excited and very enthusiastic about it. And then I am told by many people, who I hope are being completely honest with me, that I have done a good or very good job.
I get told NOTHING by the most of people above me. I am not one to fish for praise. However, I am one who needs FEEDBACK to get better. What did I do poorly? What did I do well? What should I have done? What should I not have done? Personally, I think EVERYONE needs honest and directed feedback.
NOTHING
Now it gets better. Now I am told that I should not host shows as a fill in. Now I am told, "you are the traffic guy....you should be doing traffic." Oh, so much for developing talent. What was I thinking?
Don't misunderstand me. I do not hate my job. I actually like it. I will not like it if it is what I am doing twenty years from now. With my patience, I will not be liking it if I am doing it TWO years from now.
The frustration that I have right now is simple.
I am 36 years old. Am I being viewed as simply "the traffic guy" with NO HOPE for EVER becoming ANYTHING else? I guess I need to know the answer to this question. If the answer is no, then my faith can remain and I can continue on working to get better each and everyday. If the answer is yes, then I need to start rethinking what I am doing. I need to start rethinking where I am going. And I need to make a plan to get to somewhere else.
I am 36 years old. I am too old to run in to brick walls. I am too old to climb over those walls. Is there a gate somewhere? Or do I have to find my way around the end of the wall.
Am I WRONG to have goals? Is having aspirations to do better than I am now a BAD THING? Lately, I am left to feel that in the minds of some, it is a bad thing. Now, isn't THAT a nice feeling to have around your family?
Especially to have that feeling...when you are 36 years old.
