Jay Kersting's Blog

Call me a cynic.  If you know me, you know it is true.  And a lot of it wraps around this phrase. 

"Let us know if there is anything we can do."

I learned a lot about that phrase back in 1988.  In fact, it was November 1988.  Specifically, it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I was in college at Central Missouri State University and one of my friends just lost his mother to cancer.  Bill Mackay's dad had passed away while he was still in high school and now he had lost his mother.  I hadn't known Bill long, but we were fairly close during the time I was in Warrensburg.

Bill kept hearing from people that phrase.  "Let us know if there is anything we can do."  Unlike a lot of people, Bill was fed up.  It has finally gotten to him.  He had just lost his only remaining parent.  He was mourning.  Now he was also angry.  So, when he heard the phrase again, he told that person what he needed.  You said you'd help, prove it.....not those words exactly, but that was essentially his intent.

Bill was met with a dumbfounded look.  The person did what Bill had asked......only after trying to back track from the "polite" statement.  Bill was calling their bluff.  The offer was made.  Now follow up.  That is all Bill asked, right?

Bill knew and I quickly learned that often times people say what they THINK they should say and they don't really mean it.  It is SUPPOSEDLY being polite.  In reality, it is what I avoided getting on my adidas when we went horseback riding on Sunday.

I am not saying that a single event at age eighteen turned me in to a cynic.  I think I was pretty much headed down that path already.  Several events leading up to and that followed that cold November evening in Kansas City have added to it. 

Some people that I know and love have also learned this characteristic.  And I do believe that cynicism is a learned characteristic.  Overall, not being a cynic probably makes you a better person.  But it also opens you up to disappointment.

There are few in my life that I can absolutely, positively, depend on.  They include my parents, my siblings and my immediate family.  Several friends also fall into that category.  Most people I know, unfortunately, do not.  Hey, it happens.

When my brother Topher needed help to load a truckload and van load of stuff for he and Shaby back in January, it was without question that I would help.  I actually offered to help them move in Chattanooga, but they really needed more help getting the stuff in Memphis.  Shorter drive by a couple of hours, so I wasn't complaining.  Without question, they returned the favor by helping Kathy get out of our house and then again out of my parents garage before heading here.  This was not, I don't think a Quid Pro Quo, it was family.

My brother Dan has never asked me to help him move, but I hope he knows that I would do what ever I can to help when that time might arise.  He drove two and a half hours to help empty our moving truck, eat some pizza, then drive two and a half hours back.  If there is a Quid Pro Quo here, I will deliver.  But again, I think this was family.

Dad not only drove the bouncy, bouncy, BOUNCY truck for ten hours full of our stuff that was kept at his house for six weeks or longer, but he loaded and unloaded it as well.  Mom not only loaded the truck, but drove Alex here after his Washington, DC, trip with Kathy's car full of stuff.  She ALSO had to endure my family under her roof for six weeks with our stuff jammed in her garage.  I owe them a BUNCH....and, in a way, look forward to helping them move.  But not the move itself so much.  This might be a Quid Pro Quo deal.....not for just the move, but pretty much for 37 years of EVERYTHING!!  But seriously, this is probably a case of family.

I did not go back to Knoxville to load my own stuff.  Everyone talked me out of it because it was, as I was told repeatedly, not worth the expense in fuel for the little amount of time that I would have to help. 

Dan Reilly, one of those good friends that I mentioned, helped get our stuff out of our house and into my parents house...as well as helping to load up and tie down are stuff, is one guy that I wished I could have helped more.  (I hope he does recall that I did offer several times.)  I am very thankful that he could lend a hand.  Funny that I guy who grew up near me in Wisconsin, that I met while at CMSU, ended up in Knoxville.  (Maybe he can get to the midwest again.....and I can return the favor by helping he and Renee unload their trucks.)  I would do anything I could, within my ability for Dan.  I may not have seen him for several years, but when we did get reaquainted it was not about old times.  We picked up where we left off.  (Dan - if you read this let me know when you head near here.)

Several others were asked for their help....because they had said something to the effect of, "Let us know if there is anything we can do."  When they were told what they could do, they apparently responded like Bill's friend.  Except for the lack of follow through.

A cynic like me was not really surprised.  Trusting people, like Kathy, always will be. 

I know that she is the better person.  Hell, EVERYONE knows that.  But even a cynic like me, doesn't like seeing her get hurt.  Even though I expected EXACTLY that to happen.  I don't think I said, "I told you so."  I do know that I told her to make other plans.

I have returned to the old sales motto, "Under promise and OVER deliver."  Safer that way.  Fewer people are disappointed and fewer more are hurt by my actions. 

I often find that I tell people, "If I could have helped and you didn't ask me........."  Sort of letting folks know that I will tell you if I can or cannot step up.  Hey, it is safer that way.  And I think the blanket statement, as well as the track record of helping when asked and volunteering when needed, leads to some sincerity.

Even from a cynic.